Alive and Kicking...Well Not Really Kicking!

Yes, I am alive. The "kicking" part would be best described as liking to kick somebody(s). It has been hard for me to get to this blog over the last many weeks. It seems it is hard for me to do or accomplish anything, without great amounts of frustration, anger, or as is the case today...depression.

I'm sorry B, I should have gone with you. I would be in a much better state of mind.

I am living in a funk. I feel somewhat ostarcized in my own home. I am definitely put upon. I know I should be considerate, compassionate and turn the other cheek, but I am beginning to feel I have turned the other cheek so much I have turned myself inside out. I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. I have always told myself I can get through things, when I only have to do it for a certain period of time. It is easier to know you can run the course when the course is only "X" long. Believing I would make it to age 53 was less likely when I was 15 than it was when I was 40. But in my current state I had primed myself with many "get through it" mile-markers.

Like, I could survive until someone found a job. That one worked pretty well. Only one job found, but better than none. However, getting through a couple of weeks til school started, turned into 6 weeks and now I find out that was misleading as actually there are an additional 2 weeks to go. Getting through a little more than a year has extended to 2 years as well. For the record, I feel I can't trust or count on anything anymore, not even myself. How does one talk themselves up to the level of I can do it only to find out the rules changed?

Now I don't mind following rules, but rules should be black and white. My world is pretty grey most of the time and I have learned to roll with the punches, but I think I have been sucker punched and I'm about ready to throw in the towel.

My head aches, my body aches, my mind aches, my heart aches and my soul is beginning to as well. My stress level is higher than it has been in years and my attempts to remedy that with my self healing techniques have been for naught. I feel better when I can some quiet time (praying, reading, studying, vegging) but that seems almost impossible. What time I do get as in this past half Saturday and Sunday was taken up by other responsibilities. Our lesson in Relief Society was on the true meaning of self-esteem and it came down to we need to care for and nourish ourselves. I was just beginning to learn how to do that. I feel that has been removed from me, perhaps for a later time or perhaps not at all. At this point I can't even imagine the possibility.

There are some realizations I now see as a result of my current living conditions. As they say "Hindsight is 20/20." Children should always be made known what is expected of them from both parents or both sets of parents, as the case may be. Parents should not be afraid of looking bad or losing the child's favor. This of course should alays be tempered with human respect and kindness. (A parent should never feel it it OK to mentally, physically or sexually abuse their child.) However, sometimes a "whoopin" does more to modify behavior than an unending amount of time outs. The expectations of children should always be known and present, even if those children are well into adulthood. Household rules should be continually spelled out, until children regardless of age know them and abide by them as well as their own name. If in the case of dual households, compromises should be limited at most and better off nonexistant. Learning to follow multiple sets of rules prepares a child for real life. (Look how our government operates.)

Most importantly, parents must always realize they will answer to a higher authority, at some point for the choices they made in raising their children to be socially acceptable and morally accountable. And if a parent is trying to make reconnection with a child for what ever reason at whatever age, parents should "talk the talk and walk the walk." Not every situation is supposed to be immediately recognized as a "win-win."

Yes, I full of a lot of regrets at the moment and still struggling with ideas to resolve the problems I too have helped make. It is not something I can accomplish alone. Even with spiritual help I can only go so far as my own acceptance of I have done what I can, the best that I can. A cooperative family group takes more than two, with one of those being the Spirit.

I can feel some of my pressure released through this writing. I am grateful for the space as I am grateful to those who read these thoughts. I still have a "situation" and it may get a whole lot worse before it gets better, but that in itself can be a sort of a mile-marker of sorts. I guess I will have to go back to just one day at a time for now and pray for the rest.