Falling off the Face of the Earth........Part 2

Ok...I know I said I would post this on April 1st....but come on that was April Fool's Day and with as much caos as I have in my life I figured I better not be a "fool" so that's why I didn't do it then. As for the other4 days..... I don't know...remember I have time issues...yeah that's it!!!

So when we last met we finished off what I remembered about 2007 and now on to 2008.....

Dale and Cindy were able to stay to see in the new year with us, unfortunately so did the other person who was using, and still is although does not, this as his address. That in itself made it less than a happy new year. But having some time with J2 and Shinook and Cindy and Dale did make me happy....a little crazed trying to keep up with their plans, but none-the-less happy. They brought some light into our home which helped to keep the "darkness" of the other person corraled a bit.

The "darkness" burst forth when they had to go back to Texas. But the control over it he had before wasn't as evident. His attention was diverted to new games with new people and he's not as nearly intelligent as he thinks he is. You see for me, I only had my faith to help control the "darkness" and on some days when I was weak it was very difficult. Weights and measures of day to day life can push faith in a far off closet. But the good thing is faith is stronger than anything, anywhere and it kept coaching me even from its distance. I was slowly coming to realize I could recognize the "darkness" when it entered my home and messed with me and pushed the light away and I began to try to turn it back on itself and found that works pretty darn well! The other person desired to focus on his new friends, in leading them down a merry path and as with most males ....can't walk and chew buble gum at the same time....so our home wasn't under attack as it had been before.

Don't get me wrong....it was still difficult. That difficulty is the main reason I don't remember where I went for so long......

Other person was internally driven (also a bit of feminine nagging) to leave and have a free play area and only use here for an financial address and storage for a load of crap. Oh, did I say that out loud????

In the begnning, I had to keep telling myself this was only going to be for a few months and the first arrivals split after just a few months....although it sure felt longer than that......so then I began to tell myself to take it day by day....just one day at a time.... and I could get through until probably June of this year. But the pain my body was experiencing due to stress was not responding the same way. But once the drive to the free play area came into play, I could see more than a day at a time.

This also became better because of a bunch of cake orders.....3 wedding cakes, 6 or 7 birthday cakes to start...... all within the same month. With that much going on I didn't have time to think or feel pain or much else.... And somewhere there the "darkness" withdrew habitation. Thank you Heavenly Father for staying with me, for blessing me, for allowing me to grow and gain
strength.....for loving me!!

I think this is where I started coming back...from where I had been....you know.....when I fell off the face of the earth. But you know it was quite a distance and the price of gasoline was going up and up, and what that has to do with it I'm not sure...

Anyway, back to things I remember. I don't remember much about the cakes, good thing there are pictures. One cake I do because it involved Bob and Teresa and kids coming here because it was Teresa's little brother's wedding. And even though they weren't staying here for the most part, they ended up having to stay an extra couple days because the girls got a little sick and their truck needed some repair. So YAY this Grammi got more time and again I remember all kinds of good things. Rocking, story reading, endless shopping and buying special things, drama queen momunts with Donna, cuddles with RJ and Kenzie and tons more. It may have only been a couple days but I remember just about every little thing. Warm fuzzies....mmmmm!

Well gosh....spring arrived and I could go work in the yard. I really like working in the yard, even though it doesn't seem like it during the summer. It is just that I don't tollerate the heat....never have and it's getting worse the older I get. Making my way back I began to see all the work that had been left unattended in the house, in the yard. That slowed me up some....well wouldn't it you? I was still moving in the right direction though and I remember feeling right.

I can honestly say I remeber just about everything from Memorial Day until now. Isn't that great?!?!?

We spent Memorial Day in Wyoming with my parents. I need to learn where all the family graves are that are decorated as I am coming to the time when I shall be the caretaker. It was passed to my grandmother by most of all the family (her brothers, sisters.. their children, etc.) and Grandma passed it on to Mom and as I am her only child it comes to me. I have helped decorate and remember loved ones from the time I was a child, and I know approximately where all the graves are...well at least I know the cemeteries, there are at least 9 in 7 different towns/communities. We didn't make it everywhere as the weather was cold, snowy, rainy, windy with funnel clouds. But I have this year to look forward to. And I love Memorial Day weekend. I will forever, smell lilacs, irises and peonies and the metal-ly smell of the water from the spigots in the cemteries; see the mingling of hues of flowers and ribbons and plants, brights, pastels, glittery and shiny;




Ok......I got off track....forgive me please???pretty please?????

Anyway I'm posting this now and I will conclude later.... so just consider this "Section A" of Part 2..........

Falling off the Face of the Earth........Part 1

Have you ever been accused of falling off the face of the earth?

I believe I can hear all of you, whispering under your breath, "Well I often think YOU have."

And you are SOOOOOOOO RIGHT!!!

My last post here was in June of 2007! I can't even remember June 2008 let alone 2007! Therefore I must have fallen off the face of the earth.

I WAS LOST IN CYBER SPACE, THE TWILIGHT ZONE, ALIEN ABDUCTION, OR WHERE EVER!!!! And funny thing is......I don't remember when I got back.

My life since last post is blurry at best, harried as always and unimpressive at worst. I believe I have chosen to psychologically wipe out most of July through probably December of 2007.
I remember good things, special things like shopping with a neighbor for items for 2 wededings in her household, her middle son and youngest daughter. We laughed, we scoffed, we decided this was a horrible fate for children to do to parents and we relived our youth...meaning we giggled like teenagers at the mall. I also remember those 2 weddings; cakes, krispee treats, frosting, frosting and frosting and finger sandwiches, fruit skewers and slushy punch and did I mention frosting. Also the hours and hours of clean-up, my kitchen, the church kitchen, cultural hall, my kitchen, leftovers, my kitchen. But it was good and joyous and I am so grateful my friend thought enough of me to include me in the preparations and the festivities.
I remember granddaughter Eliza's birthday and the melting "sand castle cake" And having Susie and my beautiful granddaughters Laura, Mary B and Annie and grandson Ray visit and play and love and hugs and kisses and give me such happiness with their mere presence. Good, warm, delightful "rememberies."
More things I remember are my other kids coming and not being able to visit because I already had plans to go to Las Vegas with daughter B-Jo, for what is likely a one time shot at the Retail Bakers Exposition. So while that is a good thing, it was also sad as I don't get enough time with my Bob, my Teresa, my RJ, my Donna and my Mackenzie. The things we learned there though were awesome and then some!
B-Jo and I are probably the only people I know who went to Vegas and had the most fun sitting in classes and seminars and meeting chefs and seeing everything our fantasy bakeshop would have, rather than gambling or seeing shows or seeing the nightlife or eating at the food places or shopping or the Strip or Fremont Street. We did do some of the last 3 of those too, but the Expo was IT for us.
Now as for the other kids, well RJ had to come back here to have his tonsils out and so this Grammi got him and his sisters and his mommy for 2 whole weeks. And even after all that time with me, RJ had to have his mommy call on their long drive home to find out how soon I was coming to see him. OOHHH that's a nice warm fuzzy for me. I love you too RJ and miss you every minute of every day.

I remember other things less pleasant too but we won't go into that now.

On to holidaysof 2007.... I don't dream of anything for holidays. I learned a long time ago not to set or get my expectations to high. Halloween was pleasant, Jim helped me decorate the yard. The weather was great. Thanksgiving was just anohter day, one where I fixed a really big meal, but this year I had fixed a big portion of it 2-3 days ahead. I did get to play a game, which was something I really wanted to do...so I can say I am really thankful for that.

A lot of December is blurry from hurt. December is a reminder of the loss of many that made such an impact on my life. Birthdays never to be celebrated on this earth again, death days with their all too familiar heart ripping pain, Christmases with no children's wonder......somethings are best kept blurry. There were children in and out which added to my confusion. We were blessed to have Army son, Dale home from Iraq, in one piece bodily but still never the same again. He showed us pieces of the schrapnel that missed him and my me cry in my pillow for his pangs of guilt and remorse. He blessed us too with his sweet wife, Cindy, little son J2, age 31/2 , and baby son Shinook, 10 months.....who this Grammi had not yet had the pleasure of meeting. And did we ever have a wonderful meeting....he became an instant Grammi's boy, something of which J2 was not too fond of because he's Grammi's boy!!! In their comings and goings they did bring Alanna back for some time here at her home. She told me, when they got back here from picking her up in Idaho, she was "SO HAPPY to be HOME!" She too will never be the same again.....and I comiserate with her selective memory....it does make life survivable. Dale's et al visit was too brief, but my gratitude for the time we all spent together is enormous. He is the only "blood" son of Jim's who truly loves and appreciates his father and "our family"...the others pay a kind of lip service love and respect as has been instructed by their "handler", AKA the woman who gave birth to them....I better stop right there before I post something that would need censored!! I'll just say I love Dale very much and I pray for him and for blessings for him and his wife and children, whom I also love dearly.

So there are some of the better things I do remember from the remainder of 2007.....

And this ends Part 1...... Stay tuned for the continuing saga in my review of my having "Fallen Off the Face of the Earth"..... Yes, (shaking head with a slight eye roll) I will continue tomorrow if you aren't still bug eyed from reading this long post ......

Alive and Kicking...Well Not Really Kicking!

Yes, I am alive. The "kicking" part would be best described as liking to kick somebody(s). It has been hard for me to get to this blog over the last many weeks. It seems it is hard for me to do or accomplish anything, without great amounts of frustration, anger, or as is the case today...depression.

I'm sorry B, I should have gone with you. I would be in a much better state of mind.

I am living in a funk. I feel somewhat ostarcized in my own home. I am definitely put upon. I know I should be considerate, compassionate and turn the other cheek, but I am beginning to feel I have turned the other cheek so much I have turned myself inside out. I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. I have always told myself I can get through things, when I only have to do it for a certain period of time. It is easier to know you can run the course when the course is only "X" long. Believing I would make it to age 53 was less likely when I was 15 than it was when I was 40. But in my current state I had primed myself with many "get through it" mile-markers.

Like, I could survive until someone found a job. That one worked pretty well. Only one job found, but better than none. However, getting through a couple of weeks til school started, turned into 6 weeks and now I find out that was misleading as actually there are an additional 2 weeks to go. Getting through a little more than a year has extended to 2 years as well. For the record, I feel I can't trust or count on anything anymore, not even myself. How does one talk themselves up to the level of I can do it only to find out the rules changed?

Now I don't mind following rules, but rules should be black and white. My world is pretty grey most of the time and I have learned to roll with the punches, but I think I have been sucker punched and I'm about ready to throw in the towel.

My head aches, my body aches, my mind aches, my heart aches and my soul is beginning to as well. My stress level is higher than it has been in years and my attempts to remedy that with my self healing techniques have been for naught. I feel better when I can some quiet time (praying, reading, studying, vegging) but that seems almost impossible. What time I do get as in this past half Saturday and Sunday was taken up by other responsibilities. Our lesson in Relief Society was on the true meaning of self-esteem and it came down to we need to care for and nourish ourselves. I was just beginning to learn how to do that. I feel that has been removed from me, perhaps for a later time or perhaps not at all. At this point I can't even imagine the possibility.

There are some realizations I now see as a result of my current living conditions. As they say "Hindsight is 20/20." Children should always be made known what is expected of them from both parents or both sets of parents, as the case may be. Parents should not be afraid of looking bad or losing the child's favor. This of course should alays be tempered with human respect and kindness. (A parent should never feel it it OK to mentally, physically or sexually abuse their child.) However, sometimes a "whoopin" does more to modify behavior than an unending amount of time outs. The expectations of children should always be known and present, even if those children are well into adulthood. Household rules should be continually spelled out, until children regardless of age know them and abide by them as well as their own name. If in the case of dual households, compromises should be limited at most and better off nonexistant. Learning to follow multiple sets of rules prepares a child for real life. (Look how our government operates.)

Most importantly, parents must always realize they will answer to a higher authority, at some point for the choices they made in raising their children to be socially acceptable and morally accountable. And if a parent is trying to make reconnection with a child for what ever reason at whatever age, parents should "talk the talk and walk the walk." Not every situation is supposed to be immediately recognized as a "win-win."

Yes, I full of a lot of regrets at the moment and still struggling with ideas to resolve the problems I too have helped make. It is not something I can accomplish alone. Even with spiritual help I can only go so far as my own acceptance of I have done what I can, the best that I can. A cooperative family group takes more than two, with one of those being the Spirit.

I can feel some of my pressure released through this writing. I am grateful for the space as I am grateful to those who read these thoughts. I still have a "situation" and it may get a whole lot worse before it gets better, but that in itself can be a sort of a mile-marker of sorts. I guess I will have to go back to just one day at a time for now and pray for the rest.

It's Really Spring!!!

Well it really is Spring. We have had showers, and gusty winds and even some thunder.
And even though the sun is trying to shine it is down right chilly outside. And of course because the fruit blossoms are all earlier than usual, we should probably get a frost tonight and there goes a good fruit crop. The weather in other places in the US seems to be out of the ordinary. When we talked to Cindy, in Texas, on Easter, she said there was no church because the roads were closed due to snow. Now mind you central Texas closes the roads for what seems like a couple of snowflakes, so there may not have been much by standards of those of us in the plains or Rocky Mountains. And friends, Bob and Pam in Maine had a white Easter as well. It seems Mother Nature is experiencing some technical difficulties.

Personally, I don't believe the current weather patterns have anything to do with global warming. Personally, I'm not even totally sure I believe in global warming. I mean we have only been keeping records on weather conditions for 100-150 years, and the earth has been around considerably longer, so can we really know whether or not the world is warming to the point of extinction or if it just just part of a regular cycle. The trouble with the human mind is it has the human time frame. If for instance, temperature cycles run for thousands of years it would be impossible for us to know if this was global warming or not. Advances have been made in science and the abilities to calculate the mysteries of the universe keep getting better all time, however these in reality are still somewhat unknowns, theories, educated guesses. Despite rumors to the contrary, science is not exact, and that came from my chemistry professor.

I believe global warming is both fact and fiction. I do think our world is burning too much fossil fuel, cutting down too many trees and taking up too much green space. I think the population, in its hugeness, is creating atmospheric temperature increases. How could it not? Just think about a few children in one room, bouncing off the walls and the energy they create in doing so. Energy is heat and those hyperactive kids produce plenty of it. Now take that thought and multiply it by billions..... thus a rise in the earth's atmospheric temperature. I know that was pretty simplistic, but why complicate it.

I also believe Al Gore has put forth some good information, and has done so to make an impact in our way of thinking. Society needs a jolt of some kind. We are too un-resourceful, too wasteful, and too complacent. We have life too good and easy. We don't have to really work hard for anything and we don't care. The humanity that cares about these things and the humanity that could care less are not equitable in quantity.

The fact is we don't take care of our planet as good as we should or could. I am guilty as is everyone. I waste water doing dishes, laundry, gardening and the like.
I drive down to the grocery store when I could walk. I make multiple trips in my car instead of doing several errand s once a week. I let plants die because I don't get them replanted. I don't recycle everything I can and I don't buy only recycled products. But I do try to do better. I love blue skies and green meadows. I thank Heavenly Father for every green valley.

The thing is weather is unpredictable, deal with it the best we can. I grew up with a father who watched the TV forecasts, listened to the radio when TV wasn't an option, but always relied on his own instincts and previous experiences with natural signs. But he was always wise enough to know whatever the weather was doing at any given moment it would probably change, even drastically, in the next moment. But at the same time, I hope we all start paying more attention, teaching our children to pay more attention and impressing others to pay more attention to what we do to and how we treat our world.

April is "Earth Month," so to speak. "Earth Day" and various associated similar days during the month started in the late 1960's, the time of hippies and the "love and peace" generation. Our world, our society needs all the love and peace it can get right now in the present. Treating our home, our world, our terestrial(sp) gift with more peace and love is something everyone needs to work harder at. I am going to make a bigger effort. Are you?